I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
