Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
