i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
