I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
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