last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
