My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
