I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
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