this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
