Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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