im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
