the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
