I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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