I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
you had me at cake vodka
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
