god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
the liver wants what the liver wants
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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