We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
