You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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