I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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