i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
