so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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