Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
