I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
