I should be sponsored by Trojan
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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