she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
