$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
