If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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