my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
