you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
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