i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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