This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
