Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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