You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm like, not good at living.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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