Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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