Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Randomize
