Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Randomize
