Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
