She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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