Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
