If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
