Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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