I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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