She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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