I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
