i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
