What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
We named our party play list daddy issues
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I'm at about main and main street
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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