Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
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