The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
