if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
