Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
