You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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