not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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