My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I forgot wine drunk hurts
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