My nipple is on Facebook.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
